My first readable story

ivybear93 · May 2013

Ive posted a chapter of a story ive started on its only the first chapter and its the first time ive written a story that im allowing others to read ,i want to know if its any good so far or if i should scrap it heres the link to it (appologies in advance for all the grammar and spelling errors my eyes skip them when i spell check) ive never let anyone read what i write so if its really awful you know why... <a href="http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3122702/1/Choices-Beasts"; target="_blank" class="bb-url">http://www.fictionpress.com/s/3122702/1/Choices-Beasts</a>;

tarnish · May 2013

I hope you mean that you are accepting critique? First thing I noticed is you put some weird space between punctuation.

You have it like this .

Instead of like this.

You don't need toe space in between. For commas its the same. Put the comma right up against the word before it, don't leave a space there. Second thing is you didn't capitalize a bunch of i's. Those need to be capitalized when talking about yourself. Third thing is that when a character starts talking on their own line, the first letter needs to be capitalized like any other sentence.

"how odd since you already said i wasnt a fit for the job and in the space of a minute you changed your mind ,how very indecisive Bergen"

In that sentence 'how' should be capitalized, the 'i' needs capitalized, the 'wasnt' needs an apostrophe to become wasn't. I would correct dialogue format because I can tell something is wrong with it but that isn't my strong suit. I'm very poor with remembering how dialogue goes. Doing these fixes and making sure things are capitalized, have the right spacing, the right apostrophes, etc. will make your story much easier to read. At present, I can't really understand it too well because the grammar is making it hard on my eyes to follow the pattern. I hope some of this was helpful ^^. If you are not sure of something, try googling it to find some of the answers. There are excellent grammar guides out there that make it seem simple, it's just a matter of finding them.

ivybear93 · May 2013

Yeah i was never good with grammar made english class at high school dificult so its only kinda readable...

MrClean · May 2013

First of all, I really enjoyed the poetic opening! There were some grammar/syntax/spelling errors, but the content was deep and there was a good use of imagery... It is somewhat hard to read, not so much for the punctuation or capitalization, but more for the sentence structure. Run-on sentences make it hard to find the point of the sentence, and can confuse the reader that's trying to follow your train of thought. If something is too wordy, it can be hard to keep up with. Consider breaking a long sentence into shorter ones, changing the syntax, eliminating repetitive words/phrases, or adding breaking punctuation so the reader can distinguish one thought from another. For example, the first sentence:

"I watched as he clicked the pen scribbling notes on the page margins, his unhappy brown eyes scanning me over, staring at me looking for some clue as to my character evaluatiing my potential as if i was some new bussiness he was considering buying shares of ."

I had to read this sentence a few times, because there were just too many things going on at once. It may be more easily read written in multiple sentences, like this: "I watched him clicking the pen and scribbling notes on the page margins. His unhappy brown eyes were scanning me over, looking for some clue as to my character, evaluating my potential. It was as if I was some new business he was considering buying shares of." By making each separate idea a separate sentence, the reader can move from his scribbling, to his eyes, to his thoughts without being confused. And like tarnish mentioned, the syntax of the dialogue is incorrect.

Bergen Hedson was taken aback totally unprepared for my refusal ,he stutters "uh wwhat about a a pay rise on the base contract"

Should be: Bergen Hedson was taken aback. Totally unprepared for my refusal, he stutters, "Uh wwhat about a a pay rise on the base contract?" (I'm assuming the repeated w and a are intentional) All in all, the content is good. You use description well to illustrate the story to the reader. I definitely think your writing has potential, it just needs a little editing 8)

ivybear93 · May 2013

When im thinking things i have have to write them down before i forget so k end up withreally long sentances which really confuse people i try to edit them afterwards as ive said ,but im really no good at fixining all that ,thinking i might stick to drawing for now, anyways thanks for the help

Dark Flame · May 2013

I really like the feel of the story although finding it a little hard to read with the punctuation and grammar. I struggle reading on a computer screen anyway. I think you could do well with this story although you do need to watch your grammar. If you write it in word and process as you go, it should be easy enough. If you didn't want to do that, you can usually find someone that will proof read the work for you, changing the grammar and spelling for you. The best thing to do when fixing grammar and punctuation is to read it aloud to yourself, when you are reading it aloud you figure out where a pause needs to be, whether it a short or long pause or a new sentence determines whether you need to use a comma, or full stop (period). This bit is really good, but it doesn't read quite that well as sentence.

He does not ask so much as demand ,another test ,obedience ,if i will be calm and behaved or shoot back a sarcastic remark then walk out from what might be 'unfair treatment' i play his game, politely i reply

If you wrote it like this

He does not ask so much as demand. Another test. Obedience. To see if I will be calm and behaved or shoot back a sarcastic remark, then walk out from what might be considered 'unfair treatment'. I play his game; politely I reply

The use of a semi-colon helps to break up your sentences when you are changing subject from one thing to another.

ivybear93 · May 2013

TigerCub101 wrote:

I really like the feel of the story although finding it a little hard to read with the punctuation and grammar. I struggle reading on a computer screen anyway. I think you could do well with this story although you do need to watch your grammar. If you write it in word and process as you go, it should be easy enough. If you didn't want to do that, you can usually find someone that will proof read the work for you, changing the grammar and spelling for you. The best thing to do when fixing grammar and punctuation is to read it aloud to yourself, when you are reading it aloud you figure out where a pause needs to be, whether it a short or long pause or a new sentence determines whether you need to use a comma, or full stop (period). This bit is really good, but it doesn't read quite that well as sentence. 

He does not ask so much as demand ,another test ,obedience ,if i will be calm and behaved or shoot back a sarcastic remark then walk out from what might be 'unfair treatment' i play his game, politely i reply

 If you wrote it like this 

He does not ask so much as demand. Another test. Obedience. To see if I will be calm and behaved or shoot back a sarcastic remark, then walk out from what might be considered 'unfair treatment'. I play his game; politely I reply

 The use of a semi-colon helps to break up your sentences when you are changing subject from one thing to another.

I dont know anyone who could rewrite it fixingall the errors i keep my work private usually so everyone i know are family or friends and i dont let them read it

Dark Flame · May 2013

Sometimes people online will do it for you, for instance I read on wattpad a lot and I always see people either asking for proof readers or editors and you don't actually have to know them

personally I dont let my family or friends read anything I write because I feel like they will be ultra critical on what I write, although I know from other things I do that they wont. Only a handful of people in real life actually know I write.

ivybear93 · May 2013

Thats why i dont usually let anyone read it especially my family

tarnish · May 2013

Just like art, its important to get critique on writing. If you want to get better, you need to get comfortable to show it off and I'm glad you made the first step by sharing on here

. I didn't mean to scare you or upset you with any critique, I'm only trying to help ^^ I share my writing with my mom who proofreads it but normally it's school papers. I don't normally write for fun and when I do, its normally RPG posts for my friend. ^^;;;

ivybear93 · May 2013

The critique is good helps me improve ,bit of a letdown to realise how many problems their was with it but its good to know what i need to work on

tarnish · May 2013

My friend always says this when I edit her things and what I tell her is that most published books out there have had editors. Sometimes I pick up books and still see errors. Humans aren't perfect and when you're writing a ton of pages, it's bound to happen. The thing is, you can't be so harsh on yourself. Even the best people make errors from time to time. It's only human nature

ivybear93 · May 2013

MrClean · May 2013

ivybear93 wrote:

The critique is good helps me improve ,bit of a letdown to realise how many problems their was with it but its good to know what i need to work on

You shoudn't be disappointed, afterall the only issues you have are grammar/syntax. Everyone that has read your first chapter has liked the content of it 8)

Howdy, Stranger!

My first readable story

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