Writing Themes {December} Ocelot Prize!

NickelbackLuver · December 2010

This month is a little different.. only one prize. This goes to the person who gets the most critique points. It will be an Ocelot! However, you must also write for this month in order for your points to count - this way you're not making critiques and not providing others with another piece to critique

If there's not enough activity, I will extend this month into some of next month if needed. I know December is busy for some people. So, what is a writing theme? The idea of this is to promote writing through a very general idea/topic, in which players will then write their own story/poem to fit the theme for the month. These are very common on DeviantArt, but I thought it would be fun to bring them over here, as well. The theme of December is: Something Warm Puppies, fuzzy new slippers, or the warm fireplace - anything warm! You may write a short story, or a poem, to fit this topic in whichever way you see it. The limit for prose: around 2k words. If you go over, it's no big deal, just don't go ridiculously over. The limit for poetry: Please try to keep it around/under 50 lines Please read below for further details pertaining to this contest... Critique Part of themes is to also receive feedback. I will surely give you feedback/ideas/suggestions, so long as you ask for it. I know some people don't like critique at all. In order to receive critique from myself and other players, at the bottom of your submission, please put "CRITIQUE WANTED" in some way that it is noticeable. If you do not have this there, it will be assumed you only want positive feedback, in which case all you will receive is comments pertaining to what people like about your submission. Because I believe that feedback is important for writing, there will be a separate prize awarded to those who give the most feedback that is HELPFUL. For the feedback prize, you will get a point for every bit of feedback that you give to another player's submission. This means, you do NOT need to have a writing entry in here to participate in this portion of the contest. However, your feedback must answer the following questions (you get one point per question you answer, so if you only want to answer some, you will only get points for those): For a person WANTING critique: 1. What do you like most about the writing? 2. What can be improved? 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? For a person NOT wanting critique: 1. What do you like most about the writing? 2. Which is your favorite line in this entry? Why? 3. Which area do you feel the writer is strongest in?

The second prize, is obviously given for the writing itself. If anyone would like to help me with this, it would be appreciated so I can have a few people decide which entry is the best. I am choosing the best entry based on originality more than anything, so if you're not the best at grammar/spelling, it's ok, just please try your hardest to improve upon these things. Don't worry too much about that when making an entry, though. I don't want to scare people off simply because they don't think their writing is perfect. I'm not looking for perfection at all, and whoever else helps me judge, will not be either. This does not give you free range to do absolutely horrible in the grammar/spelling department, though. Do not use chat speak or anything like that. Both myself and any judges may still write for this, but none of our entries will be in the running for the best. Any feedback we give, we will not receive points for, either. You may, however, give our writing feedback to get points. PLEASE USE YOUR OWN WRITING: Do not copy someone's writing. If I find out you did that, not only will you be eliminated from ever entering this contest again, but I will also take it up with an OP. I do not tolerate plagiarizing, and I hope you don't either. Prizes For Feedback/Critique The person with the most points by December 31st will receive: Prizes For Writing The person who is chosen by the judges to have the best entry will receive: Donations are appreciated, but are not needed. Prizes will look similar to this every month without donations, however. I may raise prizes later if this is a success ;D Entries will CLOSE on December 31st. Judging may take a few days after, in which the January contest (if this one goes well) will already be started before the judging may be completely over. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask here or PM me

Critique Points 1. Aziu - 8 pts 2. 3. 4.

Mileysmybaby · December 2010

<.> Im thinking of mine now :P

NickelbackLuver · December 2010

There will be no prizes for WRITING submissions this month. There will only be a prize for the critique portion. I wanted this to be a little more interactive, and after last month only having one person critiquing, I think there will only be prizes for critique from now on. This way, there is no contest for the "best" submission, and everyone has a fair shot, regardless of their writing abilities, because a critique form only takes a moment to fill out ;D You don't have to answer all the questions, either! They are just suggestions, you may add other things if you'd like. This is still working out some things, so it may adjust from one month to the next for a while until I get a consistent thing going

I hope this will encourage more critique, but wont hold people back from writing, either. Thanks

And get to writing! The prize to the person with the most critique points will be an Ocelot

However, the rules are changed a little. You must submit a writing entry in order for your portion of critique to count toward the prize. In the event of a tie, this way, there can be a vote for the best story. (this will be, of course, only if there is a significant amount of activity. Otherwise, I will give away VPC or a gifty or something along those lines

)

KittKattize · December 2010

I am lying on a beach, the sand beneath me is soft and cool. The sun beating down upon me is so bright and powerful that I must close my eyes, but it's not hot like it should be. In fact, I am quite comfortable lying here in my thick cotton pants and black hooded sweater. The island is silent, no breeze, no gulls conversing, no water slapping the edge of the beach. There is no smell of salt in the air, or the sweetness of the fruit growing on the trees. Where most would find it uncomfortable, I find it to be peaceful. I sigh, though no sound comes out, roll over onto my stomach and rest my chin on my arms. I open my eyes to watch the trees sway back and forth, but there is no breeze, I say in my head. I continue to watch the trees sway back and forth lazily, hypnotizing me until my mind empties. I am alone on this island and that frightens me slightly, I am one that needs the company of others. The trees empty my thoughts again. My eyes start to close and no matter how much I force I cannot open them. I want to see the trees! I yell, but my voice gets caught in my throat, trapped for eternity. There's no reason for a voice when you are alone, I conclude. What is that? I ask myself. The low hiss of a breeze coming from the trees. I can not believe that I hadn't heard it before. The sound is like thousands of angels singing in the distance. The breeze is getting closer, I can hear it closing distance. My heart starts to pound against my chest with excitement. I can hear it crossing the sand, those small fragments of glass dancing with each other just inches from the ground. I wish I could see them, for they would have been so beautiful to watch; Little diamonds floating in the air. I know it is closer to me now, I can smell the sweetness of the fruit which make my mouth water. The scent of salt in the air which makes me remember the sea all around me. Suddenly, the breeze breaks upon my face. The sand is as soft as feathers, the breeze warm like snuggling with a blanket. I sigh, my own breath is cool against my arms and I shudder, but the breeze warms me up again. It is a constant battle between the warm and the cool. There's a buzz in the air, an ever annoying buzzing that repeats over and over. It's like someone is screaming at me to wake up. I open my eyes quickly and easily to find two eyes staring down at me. The warm breeze against my face is none other than the warm breath of Clover. The sweetness of fruit is truly the smell of wet dog. The salt of the sea a mix of lamb and rice and stale milkbones. I can't be mad though, she kept me warm all through the night and can only be thankful that I didn't find out if the sea was as warm and wet as it looked. Criticism accepted

Aziu · December 2010

KittKattize 1. What do you like most about the writing? There was a goodly amount of description and a strong conveyance of emotion. 2. What can be improved? Some minor spelling and grammatical errors, but for the writing itself I felt there were some parts where there was too much description. This passage in particular stood out to me: "I can hear it crossing the sand, those small fragments of glass dancing with each other just inches from the ground. I wish I could see them, for they would have been so beautiful to watch; Little diamonds floating in the air." 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description, certainly. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? You may need just a touch of polishing on grammar/sentence structure. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? None, I found the plot to be quite easy to follow. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Breaking the two large chunks of text up a bit would improve readability. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "The island is silent, no breeze, no gulls conversing, no water slapping the edge of the beach." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? "There's no reason for a voice when you are alone, I conclude. What is that? I ask myself." I've always found putting speech, internal or otherwise, in the middle of an otherwise dialogue-less text jarring to read.

KittKattize · December 2010

I'm critiquing my own. >.< 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like my description and how it makes you have to think. 2. What can be improved? A lot of things probably, grammar, punctuation, flow of things. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description. :P 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? I could pick my piece apart until there was no tomorrow. I'm too hard on myself and therefore I find that my text is weak in a lot of ways. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? I like it the way it is, though I am a little biased. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Fix my grammar and spelling! (Though I am from Canada and sometimes we spell things a little differently. Like color is colour, neighbors is neighbours... We're weird like that. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I can't be mad though, she kept me warm all through the night and can only be thankful that I didn't find out if the sea was as warm and wet as it looked." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? I wouldn't say awkward... Just unfinished in my mind.

NickelbackLuver · December 2010

KittKattize wrote:

I'm critiquing my own. >.< 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like my description and how it makes you have to think. 2. What can be improved? A lot of things probably, grammar, punctuation, flow of things. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description. :P 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? I could pick my piece apart until there was no tomorrow. I'm too hard on myself and therefore I find that my text is weak in a lot of ways. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? I like it the way it is, though I am a little biased. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Fix my grammar and spelling! (Though I am from Canada and sometimes we spell things a little differently. Like color is colour, neighbors is neighbours... We're weird like that. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I can't be mad though, she kept me warm all through the night and can only be thankful that I didn't find out if the sea was as warm and wet as it looked." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? I wouldn't say awkward... Just unfinished in my mind.

xD I guess you can do this, but it doesn't count for points.

Aziu · December 2010

The weather outside was ferocious. The wind blew hard and cold, rattling the windows and pelting balls of ice down upon an unsuspecting world. Cold drafts penetrated the smallest of openings, prying like fingers in an attempt to gain unhindered access to the occupant of the cabin. A lone traveler stumbled his way through the complete darkness, buffeted by the wind. His cloak was thrown free of his grip by a sudden gust and he reached frantically to pull the fabric back about him. Mockingly, the wind took advantage of his distraction and snatched his hat away, sucking it into the darkness. Cold tendrils twined through his long hair, freezing his skin on contact. Teeth chattering, the man managed to recapture his cloak and wrap it protectively around himself. Just ahead the light of a lantern glimmered, suggesting the presence of a dwelling. Daring to hope the light marked his destination, he bowed his bare head and plodded on. A flickering light danced off into the woods on his right. The man stopped, straightened, and watched the otherworldly glow in fascination. The ball of light seemed alive as it moved in a nonsensible pattern, waning and suddenly glowing bright as the sun. It was hypnotizing and peripherally the man felt the wind die away, the chill of the air transform to a comforting warmth. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice whispered that he must move on, he must not succumb to this will-o'-the-wisp. His body felt numb. Acting of a volition other than his own, he took one slow step forward. Then another. "John!" The voice shattered his dream-like state and he stopped abruptly. The wind returned full-force, icy cold and biting into his skin. He shivered and turned in the direction of the voice. In the pool of light cast by the lantern stood his oldest and dearest friend. "Well get in here already, it's freezing out!" John hastened onward and joined his friend in the ring of light. The other looked at him closely. John's face was deathly pale. "You look like you've seen a ghost!" "Something like that," John replied self-consciously. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he followed his friend into the cabin and was enveloped in the warmth of a good fire and better company. Critique accepted and appreciated

Frostbight8 · December 2010

I stood at the top of the hill looking down over my yard. It was still snowing after two days and snow was becoming very old, very fast. "Common! What are you waiting for?" My bossy friend called to me. I stood there for a few seconds, just frozen. Then I snapped, "No! What are YOU waiting for? It has been snowing for the past two days and all we've done is sled!" I yelled into the quietness of the snow storm. "My toes are freezing, they are so cold they are hurting me. Not to mention numb!" My friend just stood a the bottom of the hill, bewildered. She said nothing, so I continued. "My hands are soaked, and I think a sheet of ice is forming on my skin!" She stared. I don't think she knew I had it in me. I'm usually a quiet, go with the flow person. "I'm going in before I lose my limbs to frostbite!" I slammed my sled into the deep snow and stormed into the garage. When I opened the door that seperated the house from the garage, a wave of heat hit me. For once, it felt good. The baby gate was across the door leading downstairs, which means my stepdad has a fire going. I looked down and found my little dog stretching by my feet. She was close to her bed, so I assumed she had been sleeping. I knelt down beside her and slowly moved her back into her bed. As I pushed her, my fingers ran through her warm, undercoat. It felt so good, I couldn't help myself. Pretty soon I found my hands digging into her undercoat. Eventually, I came to my senses. I looked up and saw my mom staring at me. "She's warm." I mumbled. My mom, always in good spirits, laughed. "Do you want hot chocolate? You look so cold." I sighed, I hated hot chocolate, it tasted like stale water to me. But I said yes anyway, the mug was always nice and hot. My mom looked surprised, but set to work boiling the water. While she was doing that, I went in the bathroom, turned on the hot water then took off my sock and rolled up my soaked pants. When it was hot enough, I plugged the drain and jumped onto the small counter, and put my feet in. "Oh my god, that feels so good!" It slipped. "What was that sweetie?" My mom called from the kitchen. "Oh, ah nothing mom! Just talking to myself again." I sighed a relieved sigh. She hated when I did this, actually, I wasn't suppsoe to do this. I didn't care. I had hot chocolate on the way, I was starting to feel my toes again and my frined had probably walked home. I'd face her in school tomorrow, that is, if we had it. Critque wanted. Once again, nothing on spelling or grammar.

Aziu · December 2010

Frostbight8 1. What do you like most about the writing? The situation presented was easy to relate to. 2. What can be improved? Layout, a bit more description would be nice, small grammatical things. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? The dialogue was natural and believable. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? There were some grammatical issues. (I know you didn't want anything on grammar, but to finish this critique I need to elaborate.) 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Perhaps build up the tension between "you" and the friend; I got that it's been snowing for two days and all you've done is sled, but the outburst seemed a tad intense for the situation. Or is that what you were going for? 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Breaking up the text would help make it more readable - trying to stay focused when everything is squished together can be challenging. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "...I yelled into the quietness of the snow storm." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? There was some confusion of tenses, particularly here, where it goes from past to present and back to past. "The baby gate was across the door leading downstairs, which means my stepdad has a fire going. I looked down..."

KittKattize · December 2010

Aziu wrote:

The weather outside was ferocious. The wind blew hard and cold, rattling the windows and pelting balls of ice down upon an unsuspecting world. Cold drafts penetrated the smallest of openings, prying like fingers in an attempt to gain unhindered access to the occupant of the cabin. A lone traveler stumbled his way through the complete darkness, buffeted by the wind. His cloak was thrown free of his grip by a sudden gust and he reached frantically to pull the fabric back about him. Mockingly, the wind took advantage of his distraction and snatched his hat away, sucking it into the darkness. Cold tendrils twined through his long hair, freezing his skin on contact. Teeth chattering, the man managed to recapture his cloak and wrap it protectively around himself. Just ahead the light of a lantern glimmered, suggesting the presence of a dwelling. Daring to hope the light marked his destination, he bowed his bare head and plodded on. A flickering light danced off into the woods on his right. The man stopped, straightened, and watched the otherworldly glow in fascination. The ball of light seemed alive as it moved in a nonsensible pattern, waning and suddenly glowing bright as the sun. It was hypnotizing and peripherally the man felt the wind die away, the chill of the air transform to a comforting warmth. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice whispered that he must move on, he must not succumb to this will-o'-the-wisp. His body felt numb. Acting of a volition other than his own, he took one slow step forward. Then another. "John!" The voice shattered his dream-like state and he stopped abruptly. The wind returned full-force, icy cold and biting into his skin. He shivered and turned in the direction of the voice. In the pool of light cast by the lantern stood his oldest and dearest friend. "Well get in here already, it's freezing out!" John hastened onward and joined his friend in the ring of light. The other looked at him closely. John's face was deathly pale. "You look like you've seen a ghost!" "Something like that," John replied self-consciously. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he followed his friend into the cabin and was enveloped in the warmth of a good fire and better company. Critique accepted and appreciated

1. What do you like most about the writing? Everything, it flows so well and interested me from the start. 2. What can be improved? I really liked this piece, can't see or find anything to improve. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description, story telling captivating the reader. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Not writing more >.5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Nothing 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Nothing 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "Casting a glance over his shoulder, he followed his friend into the cabin and was enveloped in the warmth of a good fire and better company." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Nope. It was a really nice piece.

KittKattize · December 2010

Frostbight8 wrote:

I stood at the top of the hill looking down over my yard. It was still snowing after two days and snow was becoming very old, very fast. "Common! What are you waiting for?" My bossy friend called to me. I stood there for a few seconds, just frozen. Then I snapped, "No! What are YOU waiting for? It has been snowing for the past two days and all we've done is sled!" I yelled into the quietness of the snow storm. "My toes are freezing, they are so cold they are hurting me. Not to mention numb!" My friend just stood a the bottom of the hill, bewildered. She said nothing, so I continued. "My hands are soaked, and I think a sheet of ice is forming on my skin!" She stared. I don't think she knew I had it in me. I'm usually a quiet, go with the flow person. "I'm going in before I lose my limbs to frostbite!" I slammed my sled into the deep snow and stormed into the garage. When I opened the door that seperated the house from the garage, a wave of heat hit me. For once, it felt good. The baby gate was across the door leading downstairs, which means my stepdad has a fire going. I looked down and found my little dog stretching by my feet. She was close to her bed, so I assumed she had been sleeping. I knelt down beside her and slowly moved her back into her bed. As I pushed her, my fingers ran through her warm, undercoat. It felt so good, I couldn't help myself. Pretty soon I found my hands digging into her undercoat. Eventually, I came to my senses. I looked up and saw my mom staring at me. "She's warm." I mumbled. My mom, always in good spirits, laughed. "Do you want hot chocolate? You look so cold." I sighed, I hated hot chocolate, it tasted like stale water to me. But I said yes anyway, the mug was always nice and hot. My mom looked surprised, but set to work boiling the water. While she was doing that, I went in the bathroom, turned on the hot water then took off my sock and rolled up my soaked pants. When it was hot enough, I plugged the drain and jumped onto the small counter, and put my feet in. "Oh my god, that feels so good!" It slipped. "What was that sweetie?" My mom called from the kitchen. "Oh, ah nothing mom! Just talking to myself again." I sighed a relieved sigh. She hated when I did this, actually, I wasn't suppsoe to do this. I didn't care. I had hot chocolate on the way, I was starting to feel my toes again and my frined had probably walked home. I'd face her in school tomorrow, that is, if we had it. Critque wanted. Once again, nothing on spelling or grammar.

1. What do you like most about the writing? It reminds me of why I hate the cold and the things that make it all better. 2. What can be improved? I know you said nothing on spelling and grammar, but it does need improvement. As well, it would be easier to read if you broke the piece up into paragraphs. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Captivating the reader 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Grammar, spelling. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Add more description. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Break it up a bit. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "As I pushed her, my fingers ran through her warm, undercoat." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? It was a good piece, just awkward to read.

Alabama · December 2010

Sunrise in the early spring Lighted windows on a winter night Embers beneath a raging fire The warming sights that oft inspire. Bees buzzing to and fro Furnace humming beneath the floor The laughter of a dear one as she nears The sounds of warmth for my ears. Fresh cut alfalfa drifting on a breeze Horse and hay filling a barn A loved one's cologne lingering in a room The warmth of familiar scents to make me swoon. Hot chocolate on a brisk afternoon Chicken soup when feeling sick Apples and cinnamon freshly baked Warmths consumed and hunger slacked Puppy breath against my neck A child's hand in mine Arms hugging me when dismayed The warmth by touch alone conveyed Giving a gift delightfully received Helping someone less fortunate Reuniting with a loved one after a long time apart The warmth generated by a loving heart Each of these warmths are wonderful, When experienced by one sense alone. But grouped with one or more, Their warmth will stay embedded within your being's core.

KittKattize · December 2010

Alabama 1. What do you like most about the writing? It is just so sweet and beautifully written. 2. What can be improved? Very minor spelling, but that's it. (slacked to slaked as I think you meant to fulfill a craving.) 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Poetry, description 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Nothing really. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Nothing it's a lovely piece. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "A loved one's cologne lingering in a room The warmth of familiar scents to make me swoon." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? The only thing I found awkward was "Apples and cinnamon freshly baked Warmths consumed and hunger slacked" the last two sentences had all rhymed up until this point although as I said before it may have been just a small typo.

Aziu · December 2010

Alabama 1. What do you like most about the writing? It flows very nicely and has great imagery. 2. What can be improved? I'm by no means well-versed in poetry, but it seemed to me that some of the lines ended up longer than others, and that kinda broke the pattern of reading for me. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Poetry, 'tis something I cannot do and I applaud those who can write it! Description is wonderful, as is word choice. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Nothing I can pick out. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? None, it flowed so nicely. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Just maybe trimming up those long lines. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "Fresh cut alfalfa drifting on a breeze" 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? No, nothing.

NickelbackLuver · December 2010

Sorry for not keeping up with points everyone - I'll update them this weekend. Finals week is next week, and I've been super busy.

Dutchess5475 · December 2010

The time of year was winter. The time of day was night. The feeling in the air was one of sadness, nothing more. It was freezing in a place that had only known warmth. It had snowed where I had seen no snow before. Nonetheless, it caused no joy, for I was alone. The landscape spread out before me softly, beckoning me to follow until it ended in a rolling hill miles away, but I rejected the idea. I had walked enough. Ten miles in the snow and sleet. Only a thin jacket to save my warmth. I had no food and only half a bottle of water. I was a fugitive, a runaway, in a place that used to be so familiar. But now, it was foreign. My every step felt belabored. The trees glared at me, as if they knew of my insubordination. The wind seemed to scream at my disobedience. But, for some reason, I did not care. I knew I had to do it. I could have stayed in the house no longer. The walls had constricted around me as family became strangers. So, I left. Just up and left, you see. And now I am alone, freezing to death. I know I’ll die here. Why? I won’t go back. I have no money. The strangers, once my family, have not come to find me. I’ve resigned to my fate. I lie down. I’ve no other options. I pull my jacket close to my face and hug my water to protect it from the worst of the cold. I don’t know how long I stayed there. Only, I knew I couldn’t feel my hands or feet. Numbness had crept into my legs and arms. Ice dusted my nose and eyelashes. “Nancy!” a voice called suddenly. It did not belong to one of those aforementioned strangers. No, the voice belonged to a friend, a very dear friend. I was barely conscious, and I knew I could not speak. My only sign of recognition was a contended sigh given as my friend wrapped me in a blanket, a gift I’d given her years before, the only warmth I’d felt all day.

^^ It's a bit shorter than I would've liked, but oh well. Critique accepted and appreciated. ^^

Dutchess5475 · December 2010

KittKattize 1. What do you like most about the writing? I love your description. It definitely makes the story come alive and feel more real. 2. What can be improved? I think it needs to move along a bit more quickly at times. Sometimes the excellent description seems to slow it down. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description and word choices, most definitely. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? There's not really anything you seem weak in due to the nature of the writing. It's very personal. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? It's more of a personal story, so not much of a suggestion here. Perhaps make the story a bit longer and add some more information about your main character, why s/he is there, etc. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Proofread

And breaking it up a little better by setting off thoughts in different paragraphs. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I can hear it crossing the sand, those small fragments of glass dancing with each other just inches from the ground. I wish I could see them, for they would have been so beautiful to watch; Little diamonds floating in the air." - It's just so descriptive. I absolutely love the sentence. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Not particularly, no. Aziu 1. What do you like most about the writing? Your entire style of writing pulls me into the story. Plus, your vocabulary is phenomenal. 2. What can be improved? I'd like to know some more background details. Why was he there? What was he doing out in the cold like that? I'm curious. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Flow of the story, as well as vocabulary. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Again, not really much that I think you're weak in. I just want a longer story with more detail - it was too good for it to be over already! hahaha 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? There's not much of a plot other than him searching for refuge and finding it, so not much here. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Detail! ^^ I want to know more. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "Mockingly, the wind took advantage of his distraction and snatched his hat away, sucking it into the darkness." - It reminds me of a quote from the Luxe Series by Anna Godberson. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Not at all, except perhaps an abrupt beginning. Frostbight8 1. What do you like most about the writing? It sounds like something that really might have happened, so the realistic nature of it all was impressive. 2. What can be improved? Some description would've helped me picture the scene a bit more. Were the two good friends? What did they look like? 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Making the dialogue seem natural. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Just a bit of description. I know you said no grammar, but spacing things out a bit.

5. What is one suggestion for the plot? It's easy to understand, so I don't see any problems here 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Detail! xD 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I'd face her in school tomorrow, that is, if we had it." - I'm pretty sure I've thought this before about a friend of two of mine. O.o 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Not really, but a little bit of proofreading would've made it flow a bit better. Alabama 1. What do you like most about the writing? It's an amazing piece of poetry. It flows well, creates a picture, and invoked emotion. 2. What can be improved? A few of the rhymes are a bit stretched. The word choices are great, but I feel it would be a bit better to either not rhyme at all or make sure the rhymes aren't eye rhymes. I love Emily Dickinson's writings, but her eye rhymes just kill me. xP 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Conveying the abstract in a concrete way 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Nothing 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? It's a poem. Poem's needn't have plots!

6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Fix one or two of those stretched rhymes 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "The laughter of a dear one as she nears The sounds of warmth for my ears." - I melted at that line. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Nope

55klovek · December 2010

The Balmy, Ginger Shivering Sun Sits Tenderly On The Horizon Frosty Snow Melts, Saturating On Every One Around The Sun is All About The Prairie’s loses its Shades of russet and Emerges Layers of Fresh Green Earth The Tepid and Beckoning Sun, Makes The Pelt Of All Of Us, Turn Shades of Brown The Fire cannot compare to The Warmth of the Summer Sun We Lose sight of Winter and Head into the Summers Warm Embrace We leave behind our Wintry Ways and Summer makes us new Again The Sun sits shivering over the Oceans Horizon Brining Waves of Possibility Back Again Setting and Rising brining Warmth and Restoration The Birds Come Out, Soaking in the Hot Sun Rays The Warmth of The Hearth cannot compare to the Heat and Tranquility Of Real Heat Waves Cool Raindrops brings Relief, But soon The Heat Will Return Soon Winds blow, and Leaves Turn Red to Orange And the Sun Retreats to its Hiding Place It cools and shivers becoming alone and outthought of Winter brings a blow of snow and the sun waits and waits to come out again In a Few Months it Will, But Not Today Soon The Summer Heat And The Suns Bright And Happy Waves Will Be Upon us Once More Critique is gladly welcomed

Aziu · December 2010

Dutchess5475 1. What do you like most about the writing? The mood of the piece was conveyed very well. 2. What can be improved? In the second paragraph there's a lot of vert short, abrupt sentences that somewhat disturb the flow of the read. You could try to merge some of these. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Conveying emotion and details. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Nothing, really: the grammar was good, and the piece itself was very clear. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Maybe some backstory: why was Nancy running away from family? How had they become strangers? 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Maybe break the first paragraph up a bit. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "It was freezing in a place that had only known warmth." 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Not awkward, but the shortened sentences make it a bit choppy when there's so many placed one after another. 55klovek 1. What do you like most about the writing? It describes the transition of seasons quite nicely. 2. What can be improved? In some lines it feels like there's too much description and that bogs down the reader. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Good word choice. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Some grammar issues, particularly with possession, plural ("Raindrops brings" and "Suns Bright") and capitalization. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? None, the plot was very clear. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Shorten some of the lines, only capitalize at the beginning of a line and proper nouns. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "The Sun sits shivering over the Oceans Horizon" 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? All the words being capitalized.

Dutchess5475 · December 2010

55klovek 1. What do you like most about the writing? Your poem flows like the seasons. lol ^^ You move from each season to the next fluidly. 2. What can be improved? I think your description hurt you here a little bit. If you don't want to rid yourself of the description, perhaps you could space things out a little more. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description and word choices. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? The grammar. I know everyone hates it, but proofreading would help you catch some simply mistakes and clean up the writing. ^^ 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? None, as the progression was quite clear. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Proofread

And breaking it up a little if you don't get rid of some of the detail. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "The Balmy, Ginger Shivering Sun Sits Tenderly On The Horizon " - It's a great opening line. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Just some of the grammar and capitalization.

55klovek · December 2010

Aziu 1. What do you like most about the writing? I really liked the description that was incorporated 2. What can be improved? Some of the words such as cold, hard could be improvised with bigger words 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? The writer was very strong in description 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Some words are little, but most were pretty good in size, description and meaning 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? No suggestion the plot was very good 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? In some parts more description would be good, in other areas less would be better 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? Cold drafts penetrated the smallest of openings, like fingers...... 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Nope there was zero awkwardness Frostbight8 1. What do you like most about the writing? It was very easy to put myself into the action, hence it was easy to relate to 2. What can be improved? More description would be nice in some areas 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? The writer was very strong in incorporating speech into the writing 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Description was a little weak in some areas 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? More development for the characters 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Nothing, the writing was very good 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? I'd face her in school tomorrow if we had it 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Nope. Alabama 1. What do you like most about the writing? It is very good, straight and to the point 2. What can be improved? Minor grammatical issues 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? The author writes very good poetry and does not lack good description 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? As far as I can tell there was no weak points 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Poem's dont have plots 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Its wonderful I wouldn't change a thing 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? Fresh cut alfalfa drifting in the breeze 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? In stanza 4 line 3 & 4 rhyme and none of the others do KittKattzie 1. What do you like most about the writing? My favorite part was the plot it was well thought out 2. What can be improved? Superior and stronger words would make this piece absolutely extravagant 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Description was well played out and makes the story very fun to read 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Stronger words would make it pop 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? No complaints really 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? A few grammatical errors 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? I yell, but my voice gets caught in my throat, trapped for eternity 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Zero awkwardness

NickelbackLuver · December 2010

This will be extended through January

I simply haven't had the time, but I will for the next couple of weeks, to go through things. This will give everyone a chance to post more/submit more/whatever. Is for a fairly big surprise, so I hope this isn't a big issue

Aziu · February 2011

Free bump.

NickelbackLuver · February 2011

Sorry guys

I'll try to figure this out this weekend.

BabyBean13 · February 2011

Nickel: I apologize for intruding on your thread, but you have failed to fulfill your end of the agreement we made about a month ago. I've tried to contact you at least three separate times: through forum PM, and 2 of your kennels including your main one. I know for a fact the forum PM was read and can assume the other 2 had been as well. Please contact me regarding this dog: <a href="http://virtualpups.com/index.php?r=dog/view&id=1759892"; target="_blank" class="bb-url">http://virtualpups.com/index.php?r=dog/view&id=1759892</a>; . The deal was I could use it for stud if I trained it. Please send the dog to my breeding kennel, Rachel94, with about 55 turns and 3 days on the contract. Thank you.

NickelbackLuver · February 2011

BabyBean13 wrote:

Nickel: I apologize for intruding on your thread, but you have failed to fulfill your end of the agreement we made about a month ago. I've tried to contact you at least three separate times: through forum PM, and 2 of your kennels including your main one. I know for a fact the forum PM was read and can assume the other 2 had been as well. Please contact me regarding this dog: <a href="http://virtualpups.com/index.php?r=dog/view&id=1759892"; target="_blank" class="bb-url">http://virtualpups.com/index.php?r=dog/view&id=1759892</a>; . The deal was I could use it for stud if I trained it. Please send the dog to my breeding kennel, Rachel94, with about 55 turns and 3 days on the contract. Thank you.

Why don't you just bid 0 on it.. I'm not really happy with you accusing me =/ I've been gone, and this sort of thing is the reason why I don't plan to return, so therefore I have no use for this dog. You could have just as well messaged me on here again. I tend to log on, read things, and log off (lately) but I can assure you I haven't been on VP for a while, so it's unlikely I saw those messages, or if I did, I was busy at the time and forgot about them. VP hasn't been my priority lately, and when I come on rarely and have this waiting for me, it's rather discouraging. Sorry for being such an inconvenience, but I do have a life. My college work has been ridiculous this semester, I just lost a dog and it hasn't gotten any easier on me so I'm stressing over that every day... I'm not making excuses, I'm simply stating why I haven't been here. As for this contest, anyone who participated please post after this post if you are still around/wish to collect a prize. I'm just going to give an Ocelot to anyone who participated because I really don't have the time or energy to pick out a single person. Thanks.

KittKattize · February 2011

I'm so sorry Nickle to hear about your dog. It's a difficult time to go through and my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I also know how hard college life is, but the hard work pays off in the end. Just keep working at it and I'm sure you'll excel! You're one smart cookie! I don't need the prize to be happy and I'll leave that up to you whether you think I should have one or not.

Dutchess5475 · February 2011

Nickel, my prayers go to you for your loss. I remember how hard it was when I lost my yellow lab, and it's something that takes time. You've been such a great friend to those on this game, and you've always been someone to look up to.

I wish you the best in your life.

Aziu · February 2011

I'm still around.

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

Mileysmybaby · February 2011

Im s oo sorry Nickel!

ive lost 2 dogs before and they were mom and daughter

hope things get better!

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Writing Themes {December} Ocelot Prize!

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