Writing Themes {November} Ended!

NickelbackLuver · October 2010

I decided to give this a try. VP doesn't have a strong writing community, and I personally, love writing and would like to see what you guys can whip up ;D I will hold one of these monthly if it gets enough feedback. So, what is a writing theme? The idea of this is to promote writing through a very general idea/topic, in which players will then write their own story/poem to fit the theme for the month. These are very common on DeviantArt, but I thought it would be fun to bring them over here, as well. The theme of November is: The First Signs of Winter You may write a short story, or a poem, to fit this topic in whichever way you see it. This means you may write about the first snowfall, thanksgiving dinner, having to turn the heat on for the first time since winter - whatever pops into your mind first ;D The limit for prose: around 2k words. If you go over, it's no big deal, just don't go ridiculously over. The limit for poetry: Please try to keep it around/under 50 lines Please read below for further details pertaining to this contest... Critique Part of themes is to also receive feedback. I will surely give you feedback/ideas/suggestions, so long as you ask for it. I know some people don't like critique at all. In order to receive critique from myself and other players, at the bottom of your submission, please put "CRITIQUE WANTED" in some way that it is noticeable. If you do not have this there, it will be assumed you only want positive feedback, in which case all you will receive is comments pertaining to what people like about your submission. Because I believe that feedback is important for writing, there will be a separate prize awarded to those who give the most feedback that is HELPFUL. For the feedback prize, you will get a point for every bit of feedback that you give to another player's submission. This means, you do NOT need to have a writing entry in here to participate in this portion of the contest. However, your feedback must answer the following questions (you get one point per question you answer, so if you only want to answer some, you will only get points for those): For a person WANTING critique: 1. What do you like most about the writing? 2. What can be improved? 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? For a person NOT wanting critique: 1. What do you like most about the writing? 2. Which is your favorite line in this entry? Why? 3. Which area do you feel the writer is strongest in?

The second prize, is obviously given for the writing itself. If anyone would like to help me with this, it would be appreciated so I can have a few people decide which entry is the best. I am choosing the best entry based on originality more than anything, so if you're not the best at grammar/spelling, it's ok, just please try your hardest to improve upon these things. Don't worry too much about that when making an entry, though. I don't want to scare people off simply because they don't think their writing is perfect. I'm not looking for perfection at all, and whoever else helps me judge, will not be either. This does not give you free range to do absolutely horrible in the grammar/spelling department, though. Do not use chat speak or anything like that. Both myself and any judges may still write for this, but none of our entries will be in the running for the best. Any feedback we give, we will not receive points for, either. You may, however, give our writing feedback to get points. PLEASE USE YOUR OWN WRITING: Do not copy someone's writing. If I find out you did that, not only will you be eliminated from ever entering this contest again, but I will also take it up with an OP. I do not tolerate plagiarizing, and I hope you don't either. Prizes For Feedback/Critique The person with the most points by November 30th will receive: One 10x4 Red Fox {Nickel} 5 mill VPC {Nickel} One Custom Banner {Nickel} Prizes For Writing The person who is chosen by the judges to have the best entry will receive: One 10x4 Cape Fox {Nickel} 5 mill VPC {Nickel} A Custom Banner/Icon set {Nickel} You will also be given the choice to choose the next theme Donations are appreciated, but are not needed. Prizes will look similar to this every month without donations, however. I may raise prizes later if this is a success ;D Entries will CLOSE on November 30th. Judging may take a few days after, in which the December contest (if this one goes well) will already be started before the judging may be completely over. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask here or PM me

NickelbackLuver · October 2010

Entries:

MidnightCivetta wrote:

Winter and Fall were brothers. Their hatred for one another ran deep it all started when they were young children. Winter was always stronger and better at games. He had fair skin light blue eyes and messy blonde hair. While Fall was a brilliant young man, solving puzzles all the time. He had soft brown hair and deep green eyes. Their biggest flaw was that they hated each other, just despised one another. Athena watched their arguing from mout. Olympus . A deep scowl formed on her face as she watched all their young talent go to waste while they fought. “Athena what has you so worried?” Zeus asked one day after seeing her watch them for hours. “Not worried Zeus, just frustrated watching all their young talent go to waste while they fight these two brothers could be something big, if only they would work together imagine what they could do!” Athena said telling him everything. “Then make them give them a task,” Zeus said. And that’s just what Athena did she told them of this terrible monster that lived in a cave high up in the mountains and that if they worked together they could kill it and she would give them a great reward. ”But Fall and Winter you must understand I need both of your help.” Athena said. And both brothers took off on the journey their armor light and strong for Athena had it made by the black smith god. They traveled and traveled for weeks until they finally reached the dragons cave. Fall remembered what Athena said, attack it at noon while it sleeps the deepest and watch out for its head for it breathes fire. So working together Winter went and wrestled the big beast’s head to the ground and fall plunged the sword deep into it’s chest. Relief washed over both of them, over joyed they hugged. And they traveled back to town arm in arm, having found new love for one another once they had finally worked together. Then Athena appeared in front of them, and said “I’m really impressed I didn’t think you guys could manage it. But now it’s time for your reward. You shall be the seasons Fall and Winter bringing great beautiful changes to the world together.” And that they did. Fall bringing the first snow, and thanks giving and Halloween. And Winter bringing snowmen Christmas and happiness.

Young_Native wrote:

The winters were always cold in Nebraska, even if it was just autumn. No matter how much firewood I bought or numerous blankets I put on my bed, I was always cold. I lived with my mom. The skies had always quickly turned dark and the wilderness was merciless with its dead silence at night. quietly it bore its teeth at me as I stared out of our cabin window. My mom was the only one I had here in this cold, dark state. She cooked, cleaned, and worked hard for me. The winter’s darkness was impenetrable as I tried to decipher what was beyond its lies. My eyes gleaming and darting every direction, waiting for a monster to pop up. “Mom?” I asked as I watched the porch light flicker like a shuddering person repulsed by the coldness. I looked back at my mom in search of her response. “Yes?” She irritably asked while chopping vegetables in a silent but ruthless fashion. Her eyes never leaving the cutting board. Chop, chop, chop... “When do you think it’ll snow?” I looked back outside again. It was so dark. How evil it looked outside repelled me as if it was glaring back into my eyes like a beast of nightmares. I could feel my mom’s eyes on my neck. “I don’t know. Why? Why are you asking?” The chopping became louder as the darkness seemed to swallow my vision up and I lost my will to look as I closed my eyes for protection. The porch light went out when I opened my eyes again. “No reason. It was just getting dark out.” I replied. I shuddered as the cold darkness inevitably grew as if seeping underneath the door and nipping at my soul. My mom sighed in the background. The skies were black as crow feathers and were just as ominous. The once brightly lit stars were devoured by its hidden anger and no longer shone for my childish sake. My mom had blond hair and blue eyes, you know. “Seriously,” my mom impatiently muttered after she threw the unripe vegetables in the boiling water. Nebraska…I hated the place.

*please notify me if your entries change at all so I can update this* Feedback/Critique Points: Dutchess: 11 pts

Young_Native · October 2010

I'll join!

tarnish · October 2010

I will as well~

Patty · October 2010

Count me in. =D

MidnightCivetta · October 2010

Can we write it in myth form like a greek myth? oh right i'll PM you

MidnightCivetta · October 2010

Winter and Fall were brothers. Their hatred for one another ran deep it all started when they were young children. Winter was always stronger and better at games. He had fair skin light blue eyes and messy blonde hair. While Fall was a brilliant young man, solving puzzles all the time. He had soft brown hair and deep green eyes. Their biggest flaw was that they hated each other, just despised one another. Athena watched their arguing from mout. Olympus . A deep scowl formed on her face as she watched all their young talent go to waste while they fought. “Athena what has you so worried?” Zeus asked one day after seeing her watch them for hours. “Not worried Zeus, just frustrated watching all their young talent go to waste while they fight these two brothers could be something big, if only they would work together imagine what they could do!” Athena said telling him everything. “Then make them give them a task,” Zeus said. And that’s just what Athena did she told them of this terrible monster that lived in a cave high up in the mountains and that if they worked together they could kill it and she would give them a great reward. ”But Fall and Winter you must understand I need both of your help.” Athena said. And both brothers took off on the journey their armor light and strong for Athena had it made by the black smith god. They traveled and traveled for weeks until they finally reached the dragons cave. Fall remembered what Athena said, attack it at noon while it sleeps the deepest and watch out for its head for it breathes fire. So working together Winter went and wrestled the big beast’s head to the ground and fall plunged the sword deep into it’s chest. Relief washed over both of them, over joyed they hugged. And they traveled back to town arm in arm, having found new love for one another once they had finally worked together. Then Athena appeared in front of them, and said “I’m really impressed I didn’t think you guys could manage it. But now it’s time for your reward. You shall be the seasons Fall and Winter bringing great beautiful changes to the world together.” And that they did. Fall bringing the first snow, and thanks giving and Halloween. And Winter bringing snowmen Christmas and happiness.

NickelbackLuver · October 2010

Thanks everyone

Also, I'd like to point out, when you receive critique, you may change your entry around however much you'd like until the closing date, so that when it's judged, you are given the opportunity to have it edited/at it's best.

Young_Native · October 2010

The winters were always cold in Nebraska, even if it was just autumn like now. No matter how much firewood I bought or numerous blankets I put on my bed, I was always cold under its seasonal greetings. The skies had quickly turned dark at the brink of winter as the wilderness inevitably grew merciless with its dead, prolonging silence during its chilling nights. These savage like qualities left my imagination wandering to the breeding grounds of fear. Perched on our cabin was the sole source of light, mapping outside with its faint but reassuring self as it brought a human comfort to my heart from the lethal breath of the absolute wilderness. I lived with my mom but she wasn't home too often to give companionship through family love. She was hardly home at all. I chewed on my fingernail as I thought of the creatures that lurked in the dark... skeletal, cold, hungry, and desperate for anything to eat as they would warily eye the cabin as a source of comfort from their hunger, staring back at my paranoid self. Quietly the night and its silence bore its teeth at me as I stared out of our cabin window. My mom was the only one I had here in this cold, dark state to keep me company, but it could hardly count. She cooked, cleaned, and worked hard for me, but it didn't make up for her lack of being here for me. The winter’s darkness was impenetrable as I tried to decipher what was beyond its deceiving blankness of black. I searched for the reason why it had to be so dark and cold during the fiery colors of Autumn. My eyes were watery from not blinking as they darted in every direction, waiting for a monster to pop up, but to my deep anxiety, there were none. Only my mom cooking. “Mom?” I asked as I watched the porch light flicker like a shuddering person repulsed by the coldness. I couldn't help but shiver in agreement. I looked back at my mom in search of her response, but she didn't turn towards me. She kept to what she was doing and almost seemed like she would ignore me. “Yes?” She irritably asked while chopping vegetables in a silent but ruthless fashion. Her eyes never leaving the cutting board. Chop, chop, chop... “When do you think it’ll snow?” I looked back outside again. It was so dark. How evil it looked outside repelled me as if it was glaring back into my eyes like a beast of nightmare. I could feel my mom’s eyes on my neck as my thoughts ended and unconsciously froze. “I don’t know. Why? Why are you asking?” The chopping became louder as the darkness seemed to swallow my vision up and I lost my will to look as I protectively closed my eyes. The porch light went out when I opened my eyes again. It's comfort was well missed as a deep, haunting throb swelled within my stomach as the human fear of the unknown crept into me. The last of my comforts had vanished as quickly as a bat of an eyelash. How quickly it had gone without a goodbye... “No reason. It was just getting dark out.” I replied. I shuddered as the cold darkness inevitably grew as if seeping underneath the door and nipping at my soul. Thankfully, My mom just sighed in the background. The skies were black as crow feathers and were just as ominous as them. The once brightly lit stars were devoured by its hidden anger and no longer shone for my childish sake. My mom had blond hair and blue eyes. I remember when they were once bright and cheery, but now faded to a gloom after father left us and we moved here...to Nebraska. “Seriously,” my mom impatiently muttered after she threw the unripe vegetables in the boiling water. Just like my childhood... Nebraska…I hated the place. Crit. wanted

Kazuko · October 2010

i'ma join these each month they're posted, but I'll be writing from my character's, Katsumi, point of view. First I feel I should give a little backstory to her and the world she lives in. First off, Katsumi is a half-hell hound, half-human being. She looks completely human, but her shadow takes the form of an odd wolf-like creature. The shadow is oddly capable of expression, even though he is completely 2-D like a normal shadow would be, but he can move of his own accord, although has the exact same restrictions that your own shadow might have about disconnecting from the main body. Now, Katsumi lives on a planet aptly named Planet, in a village known as Whazzit Weyrd (totally pronounced 'Was It Weird') Planet is a world widely inhabited by creatures called Pokemon. I mean. Shinies. Shinies come in many different species. We have Dragons and Unicorns and Gryphons and Pegasus and Hippogryphs. We also have miniature dragons (Firelizards) and gryphons (Gryphettes) and everything else from large, fire-breathing My Little Pony knock-offs (Kachir) to flying gerbils (Aluna) and double-jointed hyena (Fisi). All of these creatures can 'bond' to a human (or close to it anyway) and some can speak telepathically to their Bonds and anyone else they may choose. It's an odd world. And I will write about it. (end backstory. Next up: My actual entry. ._.)

Mileysmybaby · October 2010

entering =] when i get back from KS Volleyball Tournament will post mine

NickelbackLuver · October 2010

Thanks everyone

Can't wait to see your entries ^^ I will start giving my critique towards the end of the month. I have exams the next two weeks, so I will be focusing on studying a lot, but after that I will surely get these critiqued. Also, I have changed the way the winner of the writing portion will be chosen. I will pick out my three favorites, and they will be voted on by players. You will not be allowed to vote for your own entry, and votes will be done by PMing me ;D I think this is the best way to do it, so I'm not choosing the winner on my own.

Frostbight8 · November 2010

Can I enter, or is it too late?

NickelbackLuver · November 2010

You have all month to enter ^.^

Dutchess5475 · November 2010

-poke- May we go ahead and post critique? I'll be entering later, but figured I might as well do some critiquing to get in the writing mood! xD MidnightCivetta's 1. What do you like most about the writing? Personally, I like the first paragraph on the merits that it provided an adequate picture of both main characters. Rather than simply letting the rest of us guess their appearances, you gave the facts behind them and a bit of their personality. I also like the fact that you brought in some mythology and wielded it into the story so that anyone not acquainted with mythology really wouldn't know whether or not this could possibly have been the true origins. 2. Which is your favorite line in this entry? Why? "And they traveled back to town arm in arm, having found new love for one another once they had finally worked together" I think it adequately summarizes the entire story in that it gives a conclusion and alludes back to the initial conflict as set up in the earlier paragraphs. 3. Which area do you feel the writer is strongest in? Creativity, by far.

When I read the topic and thought about entering, a mythological standpoint did not even come to mind, so you're definitely original and creative to think of that! Young_Native 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like the fact that it is either personal or written from a personal perspective. There's no description of the main character but I feel as though the way s/he talks and acts gives me a picture of the attitude and feelings. It's not straightforward, it's all implied, so it makes you start to think and imagine. 2. What can be improved? There are a couple of sentences and words that seem a little "out of place" to me. That might have been done for a particular reason, such as to shock people or draw attention to it, or it might have just gone unnoticed. For example, the sentence "I lived with my mom" at the end of paragraph one just seems as though it could be moved around, replaced, or added upon. Personally, since you bring her up in paragraph two "as the only one I had here," I think you could delete the former sentence. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? I think you're very good with literary devices such as metaphors and anthropomorphisms. They come off quite naturally in the writing. For example, "it bore its teeth at me" and "like a beast of nightmare." It really gives a better pull to the story and makes me picture the true depths of the emotion behind it. Also, you're very good with emotion. You managed to connect the audience [or at least me haha] to the main character. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Again, there are a few organizational issues in my opinion. I think with a little proofreading and editing, you could fix some simple problems that hurt understanding or throw people off a bit. I think you should take a step back and reread it out loud and you'd find some things that just sound a little off. Also, perhaps adding some more details to fill up the story would be nice. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? There doesn't seem to be too much of a recognizable plot except to make clear that the main character hates Nebraska. In this sense, there isn't much of a plot, so there are no suggestions to the plot. The type of story doesn't necessitate an overarching plot, so there isn't really much of a suggestion for one. If there were to be any suggestion, it'd be to write longer and have a more developed plot, but I don't feel that was your purpose in writing the story. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? I'd say, as before, that you need to do a little proofreading to notice little problems. For example, the last line of paragraph two, "My eyes gleaming and darting every direction, waiting for a monster to pop up," is a fragment. Also, everything is in first person except the line, "My mom had blond hair and blue eyes, you know." So, again, proofreading. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "“Mom?” I asked as I watched the porch light flicker like a shuddering person repulsed by the coldness." - I really like the feel that this line gives. The imagery really puts a person into the scene and brings up memories a time when others have stood watching a light flicker. It gives a new perspective to a common occurrence. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Again, just some parts of the wording made it a little awkward to follow. There are a few descriptions of the mom that seem a little misplaced and make it a bit odd at times. [I have no idea how long you wanted these critiques to be, so I tried to keep it succinct. If you want them longer, just let me know, and I'll add

]

Young_Native · November 2010

Thanks Dutchess. I will follow the examples that you've given me and try to improve. As for the out of place sentences, they were meant to be there. The first person POV is making connections with the dark night and how it's scary during the coldness of winter. They're trying to secretly make a connection with their mom and her darker side which the story doesn't dive into. The person is hesitant and scared to think about it so they focus on the dark night and how cold it gets, but their mind keeps making connections with the deep, maddening side of their mom. The person doesn't like their mom for good reasons because their mom is harsh and critical. I tired hinting that with her words and short temper. =] However, I guess I didn't pull that off. xD

NickelbackLuver · November 2010

Yes, critique is fine to start posting

Thanks everyone for participating so far ;D Everything will end on November 30th, so up until then you may post your story entries and critiques. Obviously, if you're wanting more critique, you should post sooner than later. I will still be critiquing later this month as well ^.-

Frostbight8 · November 2010

Beep beep beep beep! My obnoxious alarm clock. "It can't be six-thirty already!" "It was five about ten minutes ago!" I rolled over and looked at my other clock. Yup. Six-thrity. Suddenly, I heard barking. Great, dog is up too. Pookie always barked in the morning until I got up and fed her. I pushed my covers off reluctantly. "Uhggg" I groaned as the morning's frosty air swirled around my warm body. It felt as if all the warmth had fled my body all at once. "Get up!" Oh no. Her too. "Moomm! I don't wanna get up." "I didn't either but SOMEBODY won't get up on their own!" "Ok, just let me go the bathroom before I get dressed." "Make it quick." My legs didn't seem to want to bend this morning so instead of walking, I hobbled to the bathroom. When I got there I leaned on the windowsill and looked out the window. "Jack frost has been at it again." I thought as I scanned the frosty yard. My eyes landed on the trees. All the wonderful shades of reds, yellows, and oranges had turned into the same, ugly brown color. Except for the fur trees, of course. They were still green. "Lets go!" my mom shouted from my room. Argh. Peeing would have to wait. I walked into the laundry room and grabbed they days neatly ironed clothes, thanks to my mom. Then, got dressed. As we headed down for breakfast, I got a glimpse of the front yard. Here, leaves were gently falling to the ground, as if someone was plucking them one by one and putting them down easily. The sky was a light shade of grey. "Looks like it is going to rain." I said thoughtfully. "Yeah, it's suppose to be real crappy for the rest of the week." "Oh." I said, still lost in my mind. My mom noticed my tone of voice and snapped. "Common. The dog is hungry, you need to pour your juice and get your laptop ready." "Alrighty." I replied, snapping out of my trance. I coiled my laptop's charging extension and put it in it's case. The loaded the laptop itself in. That was done. "Dog food" I thought. I lumbered to the pantry and scooped a half cup of food. Then lumbered back to the dog's bowl and poured it in. I knelt down and stroked her back as she trotted by. Her fur was cold, which wasn't too surprising becuase she had just been outside. But the coolness in her fur was crisp, like the late fall air. "Breakfast is ready." My mom grouched at me "I'm coming, I'm coming" "Ew! Mom! Oatmeal? Really?" She shrugged. Not much bothered her. "It's cold out today. I thought you'd like it." "Er, thanks." I said as I sat down to spoon the gobby food into my mouth. When that was done I gathered my Saxophone, laptop, and backpack. As I was headed out the door, my mom said, "Don't you want your gloves?" "Gloves?" "Nah, I'll live." "Alright...." She trailed off. As if she was debating to actually make me wear them. But, she didn't say anything. I stepped outside, expecting mild air, not to warm, not too cold. Man, was I wrong. The wind howled around me. It was pure ice. No warmth could be found within it. When I reached the top of my driveway, I set my saxophone down, shoved my hand into my pocket, and looked at the sky. It was still grey, but the shade was darker. They could've been referred to as "black clouds". My teeth chattered. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I whirled around, surprised. It was my mom, she was standing there dangling my gloves in front of my face. With that "I told you" look on her face. I hated those. I took them happily, though. Then, I heard the bus. "There it is." She said, smiling. "Get going." With that, I hoisted my saxophone up and walk to my stop. "Jack Frost is just getting started." I thought happily. "Pretty soon the ground will be hibernating under a thick blanket of snow." Crtique wanted. But please, not on grammar or spelling. :roll: I am aware of these. They are not my strong points.

BashfulBird · November 2010

The imprint of a boot Against frosted grass. The last leaf spirals Lazily downward. The sky transforms from Azure to a steely white. The sun sleeps in And the moon visits early. Snowstorms threaten from the north And a slushy rain from the south. Reawakened flames lick And crackle in the fireplace. And then, without warning, a flake drifts Through the wind and lands on your shoulder. And I try to hold on to it But it melts away from me. And so do you, with a glare Turning on your heel. Leaving footsteps in the frost. And I want to follow, but another flake Lands in your footprint, and I cannot understand your words And even less your actions. The snow falls onto my face And melts, dripping down Until I cannot tell which are tears of mine And which are tears of the sky. And it makes no difference to me. My hands are red and chapped. I hold them in front of the fire And I relish the pain. Critique please!!

Dutchess5475 · November 2010

Young_Native: I'd kind of gotten that impression but wasn't entirely sure so I figured it would be best to point it out instead of just assuming. Since that was your goal, you accomplished it very subtly, which is a strength, though you'll have to be careful that others can catch it. Perhaps you could make it slightly more obvious at the end so people have to think but then have their thoughts verified. I liked it though! Frostbight8: 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like that it's personal and you really give a good picture of what's happening. Despite some of the disconnects, I feel as though I can picture the character and the mother and the looks on the mother's face, etc. I can picture this whole thing happening. 2. What can be improved? You could try to make it a little more coherent and connected. There seem to be a few places where I have to think, Wait a second, what's going on here? I'd suggest reading through it again and thinking about whether or not each sentence folds into the next easily or if there's a mental disconnect. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? You have a lot of impressive diction. Your word choices are very descriptive. For example, "frosty air" rather than simply "cold air" and "lumbering" rather than walking. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Sometimes the story seemed a little scattered. Now, I understand that you might have attempted that on purpose to capture how scattered people are when they first wake up, and that's great to have the parallel. However, I think it needs to be cleaned up a bit for more clarity. You could still have the shorter sentences and a few scattered things while maintaining cohesion. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? I actually like the plot of a typical "winter" morning of not wanting to get up and all the things that ensue. You could work on flowing it a bit better and keeping it moving, but I actually liked the plot. It was very obvious what was going on. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? I would suggest re-reading it. There are a few mistakes that you could easily fix to aid understanding. I know you said that grammar and spelling aren't your strong points, and that's entire fine; I totally understand that! Therefore, I don't mean proofreading your spelling and grammar, but just the entire story. There a few places you should separate lines or put them together. It would just help group things for the readers' understanding. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "Beep beep beep beep! My obnoxious alarm clock." Now, I'm not typically a huge fan of the opening lines in most compositions, but I think this one is very effective. With the onomatopoeia, it "wakes up" the reader to your entry. Also, it sets the tone very quickly by describing the alarm clock as obnoxious. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Again, some of the grouping of sentences could be changed or set off to make the entry more sensible and flowing.

Bashfulbird: 1. What do you like most about the writing? It's very compelling. Each line makes me want to read the next and the next and the next rather than getting bored with the poetry, especially since poetry can be very difficult to keep entertaining. Your writing definitely draws me into the story. 2. What can be improved? I'd like to see you group things a little more or less. For example, you have 6 stanzas of two lines and then one with 10 lines, one with five, and one with three. You may have meant to do that, which is totally up to you, but it messes with my OCD mind.

3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? Your word choices really paint an amazing picture. Your metaphors are subtle yet effective. For example, your first two lines: "imprint of a boot" makes me think of when I've seen footprints in dew or snow; then "frosted glass" is an excellent picture of the snow. So your word choices were by far your greatest strength. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Honestly, I really loved it, so it's hard for me to find a big weakness. Since this is free verse, you do get to play around a lot with it, so I'd just say as a caution that you need to always check things to make sure you don't do anything in excess. However, I'm not really seeing that as an issue here, just a note for future reference. You do make extensive use of the word "and" so you may look at some other conjunctions to use - you definitely could change some, and one or two may not really be needed. 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? Your plot and progression is very clear. You describe the scene, the two people are together, one leaves, the other is left alone, then goes and warms his/her hands by the fire. Perhaps you could add a transition between the description of the scene to the fireplace. There's a bit of confusion there as to where the people are. Are they outside? I would assume so, yet you just mentioned a fireplace, which would be inside. I'd say just clear that up a little bit.

6. What is one suggestion for the composition? I'd suggest going back through, proofreading the commas and periods a bit and checking for unnecessary and's. About the grammar, for example, the first stanza isn't a sentence, so you don't really need the period. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? This is a really hard question for me. "Another flake lands in your footprint" is really good because it shows the finality of the other person leaving. "I cannot tell which are tears of mine/And which are tears of the sky./And it makes no difference to me." is probably my favorite though because it gives so much emotion and really portrays the hopelessness of the character. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Other than a few unnecessary and's and an unnecessary comma or period, nope.

Frostbight8 · November 2010

Heh heh. Ya.. I really wanted to get that written and submitted. I don't get much time on the computer during the school year. I probably would've paid closer attention to some things like making the sentences flow more.

Young_Native · November 2010

I have updated my entry.

Dutchess5475 · November 2010

I figured I might as well enter. It's a tad short. xP

I remember like it was yesterday: Nearly all the leaves had blown away; Only one remained on that withered tree Teetering, giving little hope to me I knew I would die the moment it fell Scared to death, I would be cast into hell For the way I'd go would be my own Eliciting not even a slight moan That is the way I've always been, you see Every year I wish to be set free However, there are benefits to this Another will give me a parting kiss He brings with him a heart of cold and stone Because without me he is all alone To see him in such pain gives me sorrow Yet I will meet him in the next 'morrow To me he is Winter and I am Fall My name will he continually call But he should know his sorrow is wasted For every year, of death I have tasted

Critique Wanted and Appreciated

Mileysmybaby · November 2010

The First Signs Of Winter by *Mysterous Love* Here in Nebraska weather changes very quickly, you can have a VERY warm summer then have a VERY cold winter. When November comes around I get out my winter clothes just in case, I always love the coming of Winter -although I dont really like the cold- The leaves falling off the trees,the wind blowing in my face, holidays coming and going, seeing family. But my most favorite part of Winter is sledding! We have a big hill right next to our house that gets a great coat of ice then snow on top of it. It is best when you go to the very top and slide down. I cant wait to do it again! I love the scenery in winter, a blanket of snow and nice thick clouds. It reminds me of a huge bed, although not so much when you lay down in it! Cccccoldd I say! I would say the first signs of winter are Thanksgiving,decorations,leaves falling off trees,weather getting cold but this all to say "Lets go sledding!" I would like critique. Its sorta short and just what happens around me basically but Im givin it a try

Baseballboi355 · November 2010

I love writting, I will be sure to add an entry soon.

NickelbackLuver · November 2010

Great

thanks for the entries so far, everyone

I wasnt expecting so many xD

NickelbackLuver · November 2010

<a href="http://jaded-night.deviantart.com/art/HC-WolfxReina-186900794"; target="_blank" class="bb-url">http://jaded-night.deviantart.com/art/H ... -186900794</a> I did do something for this

critique is appreciated. Since mine isn't in for the running, I'm not going to bother with copying the text over to here, though xD

Dutchess5475 · November 2010

Mysterous Love 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like that it is a personal account; your emotions are clear in the story due to the first person point of view. 2. What can be improved? I know that it's first person and meant to be more relaxed when it comes to rules, but there are some grammar issues that still need to be corrected. For example, your first sentence is a comma splice; you need to either put a semicolon or make it two sentences. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? You did very well in making it seem conversational. I feel as though you're telling me this story in person rather than writing it. I can picture someone telling this story to someone or to me. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Honestly, I think you just need to take a step back, read it again, and make sure everything flows well and uses proper grammar. A few things are a bit scattered, and since it's writing, you can fix those problems. A couple of sentences just seem out of place, like "Sometimes me and my family go to Pennsylvania or Indiana to visit with my cousins,aunts,uncles,and all them." 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? The plot is basically to tell us that you like sledding, correct? So, tell us more about it. You have some details in odd places that you could group more efficiently as an introduction so you could lead into the main point that you like sledding and that that's what you associate with winter. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Proofread.

7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I love the scenery in winter, a blanket of snow and nice thick clouds. It reminds me of a huge bed. . ." I really like this because it gives a good picture of the scene. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Like I mentioned earlier, a few sentences seem out of place. Namely, this line: "Sometimes me and my family go to Pennsylvania or Indiana to visit with my cousins,aunts,uncles,and all them."

Mileysmybaby · November 2010

Dutchess5475 wrote:

Mysterous Love 1. What do you like most about the writing? I like that it is a personal account; your emotions are clear in the story due to the first person point of view. 2. What can be improved? I know that it's first person and meant to be more relaxed when it comes to rules, but there are some grammar issues that still need to be corrected. For example, your first sentence is a comma splice; you need to either put a semicolon or make it two sentences. 3. Which areas do you feel the writer is strong in? You did very well in making it seem conversational. I feel as though you're telling me this story in person rather than writing it. I can picture someone telling this story to someone or to me. 4. Which do you feel the writer is weak in? Honestly, I think you just need to take a step back, read it again, and make sure everything flows well and uses proper grammar. A few things are a bit scattered, and since it's writing, you can fix those problems. A couple of sentences just seem out of place, like "Sometimes me and my family go to Pennsylvania or Indiana to visit with my cousins,aunts,uncles,and all them." 5. What is one suggestion for the plot? The plot is basically to tell us that you like sledding, correct? So, tell us more about it. You have some details in odd places that you could group more efficiently as an introduction so you could lead into the main point that you like sledding and that that's what you associate with winter. 6. What is one suggestion for the composition? Proofread. 7. What is your favorite line in this entry? "I love the scenery in winter, a blanket of snow and nice thick clouds. It reminds me of a huge bed. . ." I really like this because it gives a good picture of the scene. 8. Is there anything you feel is awkward in this entry? Like I mentioned earlier, a few sentences seem out of place. Namely, this line: "Sometimes me and my family go to Pennsylvania or Indiana to visit with my cousins,aunts,uncles,and all them."

Thank you! Am I allowed to changwe it?

Aziu · November 2010

Sneaking in at the last minute? Why no, I am not. *shifty eyes* The scents of fall were everywhere: the dry earthiness of falling leaves, the sweet smell of late-blooming flowers, the refreshing wetness of green grass. It all was hers to enjoy. Tainn inhaled deeply, closing her bicolor blue and gold eyes as she savored the smells. Though this was often the shortest season it was her favorite. A fresh breeze twined through the tree trunks bringing down a shower of gold, red, and orange leaves. It played through the wolf's dark brown coat, gently brushing the hairs aside and cooling her skin. The afternoon sunlight peeked through the canopy and made the leaves above glow like stained glass. The crunch of leaves in the underbrush behind her made her start. She spun round and came nose-to-nose with her black-coated mate. She inclined her head. The two broke into a head-long run, kicking up dead leaves as they wove between the trees. Their progress was marked by joyful yips. The pair broke into an open meadow and increased their speed. They were not running in pursuit of life-giving sustenance; they were merely celebrating the joy of the season. Panting, the wolves pulled up as they crested a small rise. Eyes bright and tongues lolling from their mouths, they eyed the prairie that stretched out before them. The breeze rolled across the field, turning the long grass into an undulating sea. Clouds settled overhead, blotting out the sun and darkening the scene. The wildflowers appeared as tiny colorful stars amidst the grassy waves. A stronger, cold wind began to blow, whipping the grass violently about and tugging at the wolves' fur. Turning her back to the gale Tainn trotted down the hill followed closely by her mate. Winter was coming. Critique requested.

NickelbackLuver · November 2010

All entries are allowed to be changed after critiques, yes

Thanks for the entries! Only a couple days left before it closes on Nov 30th, 9:00 PM EST I will be critiquing everything tomorrow. I have read most of the entries at least once already. This will give you an additional day to take my critiques into consideration as well as others' critiques. By Dec. 2nd I will have my top three chosen, and voting will be open to choose the "best" on Dec. 3rd. All votes will be PM'd to me, and you may not vote for yourself. I will give reminders when this is actually opened up. The Dec. writing themes will be open on Dec. 1st, so this will run into it a little as far as judging goes.

Good luck everyone!

Howdy, Stranger!

Writing Themes {November} Ended!

Comments