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Story I wrote for English. Comments? (long)

edited September 2010 in Artist Alley
I wrote this for my 9th grade Honors English class. It is 4 pages long and it's about meeting my best friend<br><br>Meeting Her<br><br> My mommy pulled the door open for me as I walked inside. I felt the cool air rush over my little face as I walked into my preschool. I adjusted my backpack as my mom gave me a kiss on the forehead. “Have a good day, Kelsey. I love you,” she said, looking into my soft green eyes.<br><br>I smiled. “I love you too, mommy,” I whispered.<br><br>I walked to my storage cubby, happily greeting my friends. I looked around the room. I saw the bright multi-colored sitting rug sprawled across the floor, where we all sit when Mrs. B reads a book to us or when we practice our alphabet. I saw all my friends scurrying around the room. There were many bright, colorful posters hanging on the walls. I took off my favorite white jacket and my backpack and hung them on the little black hook in my cubby, labeled “Kelsey.”<br><br>“Boys and girls, please come and sit on the sitting rug!” I heard Mrs. B shout. I adjusted my sleeves as I walked quickly to my favorite spot on the rug, the yellow circle with the letter K written in it. I sat Indian-style on the circle, waiting quietly for my instructions. I was a quiet person, and still am; I tend to keep to myself while all the other kids jabber away.<br><br>I brushed one of my soft brown curls out of my eyes. I looked across the rug, at the little blonde girl sitting on the purple S across from me. She was wearing dark denim shorts and a baby blue t-shirt with pictures of colorful flowers sewn in. She was very quiet, like me, sitting there playing with her hair. I watched her intently as Mrs. B talked. We made eye contact for a few seconds and I felt myself blush as I quickly turned away. I sat there for a little while, playing with the soft little tufts of fabric making up the rug.<br><br>The teacher dismissed us for our playtime, so I stood up and walked to the sandbox, and sat on a wooden stool. I found myself sitting by someone who I didn’t talk to very much, so I just sat on the stool, letting the grains of sand fall between my tiny fingers. I picked up a bright yellow shovel to find it was sticky, so I put it back in the box with disgust. I was a very scrupulous person, too. I noticed even the smallest things and they bugged me a lot.<br><br>Bored with the sandbox, I dropped my toys in the bucket and walked to the loft. The loft was a big, wooden structure suspended in the air. If you climbed up the wooden plank steps, you will find hundreds of great books: Dr. Seuss, Amelia Bedelia, and many others. One tiny foot by one tiny foot, I climbed the stairs, clinging to the handrail. I walked across the boardwalk and into Book Heaven. Then, I saw her... that blonde hair and those shiny dark brown eyes. Her name was Shelby *private*. I cautiously walked over to her. “Hi...” I said softly. She turned around sharply.<br><br>“Hi. What is your name?” she questioned.<br><br>“Kelsey, what about you?”<br><br>“Shelby! Want to go sit under the weeping willow with me?” she asked.<br><br>I nodded my head yes and we both walked to the weeping willow, a very huge, beautiful tree. It’s many tiny leaves curtained the ground gave it the illusion that it was quietly crying as the soft wind blew its hair. Many of my fellow preschoolers were running around playing tag and hide n’ go seek. We sat down on the soft dewy grass. My butt was getting wet so I was quite uncomfortable, but I didn’t really care. I had just met my best friend!<br><br>We would also always get into fights when we were younger but we got over it in a day and hugged. As the next few years sped past, we grew up together. In kindergarten (and third grade), I remember Mrs. *private* always teasing us and calling us “two peas in a pod” because we never left eachothers side. We were always sitting together, arm in arm. My mom and Shelby’s mom coached our soccer team (and made us run like crazy because we would never shut up). Shelby and I were in Girl Scouts together (yet again with our MOTHERS!) a few years back. We would always make crafts and things together. It’s absolutely hilarious when she laughs at something really hard. She starts snorting and her face turns red and just watching her laugh makes you laugh!<br><br>At Shelby’s old house, a trailer, her and I would go into the bathroom with the door locked and empty out tons of bottles of stuff we found under the sink then put some water and good-smelling lotions, shampoos, and soaps into the container and shake it up to make an “air freshener.” Well, one time we put some stuff into a spray container. We walked into her room and jumped up and down on her bed and she was spraying the freshener into the ceiling fan. She was actually laughing so hard that she peed her pants! I don’t think I will ever forget that!<br><br>In 4th grade, she went over to *private* because she moved, then she came back to *private* for a very odd reason (don’t ask). But then in 5th grade I went over to*private* because I moved, but I ended up coming back to the middle school the next year anyways. <br><br>Shelby and I actually made plans together in the past. We planned on both going to college at Ohio State University and I think we both wanted to be Marine Biologists and we were going to live together in the same dorm room and do our homework together. Little girls can dream, right?<br><br>Shelby has always been there to protect me from my fears (and mean people because they are afraid of her!) and set me straight because sometimes I would tend to get quite careless... We practically lived at each other's houses. We would always walk to Henry’s and get an ice cream and sometimes walk to the Dollar Store over the summer of 2009. We also had a few friend “triangles”, as you could say, that were quite tough, but we got through them.<br><br>After my first love dumped suddenly, over a text, there she was, ready to comfort me and hurt someone (as usual!). She always reminded me that she was going to break one of his bones someday, somehow. She said: “I am going to go to his house, break in, carry him over my shoulder, and break his face in a cornfield.” I knew she was kidding, obviously, but she always made me laugh with things like that. She definitely knew how to make me feel better.<br><br>Once, last summer, Shelby and Erica *private* were at my house one night. Shelby had fallen asleep while watching TV so Erica and I went into the bathroom with a cup and made an interesting mix out of: oatmeal, water, toothpaste, mouthwash, and lots of other things. We grabbed a little piece of fabric and ran into my room. Giggling, we poured the mush into her hand and tickled her nose with the fabric. She smeared it all over the blanket and pillow and woke up and started crying and almost punched Erica in the face. It was hilarious!<br><br>Actually, just a few weeks ago, she came over to my house and we made a big ol’ mess. We made Puppy Chow and soap and her love of mashed potatoes took hold of her so she ate the whole giant bowl of leftover mashed potatoes my mom made for supper that night, while I ate a big bowl of homemade chicken noodles. We took a walk in the rain and just talked. It was a great day.<br><br>She is always bothering me to pluck my eyebrows and at school she always says “You know what? I am going to bring a pair of tweezers to school and pluck those eyebrows, Kelsey!” She also always wants to fix my hair and do my makeup. She worried about me too much... but I didn’t care. She was my best friend, and of course she wanted the best for me. But, knowing that dear girl, I would make her laugh (by doing absolutely nothing) while she is plucking my eyebrows and I’ll walk out of the bathroom blind.<br><br>During 6th and 7th grade, we were still close, of course, but then it all stopped in 8th grade. She had become new “best friends” with this girl who didn’t really seem like her type, I guess. She was all Gothic and depressed... I don’t know what Shelby found interesting about her, actually. Shelby’s new friend and I were okay, until the end of the school year. In 8th grade we kind of drifted apart and I met another girl, Courtney. We became best friends. I don’t really know what happened, but Shelby and I apparently lost interest in each other and we moved on to other people. We are still friends, of course, and always will be.<br><br>I will never forget what all we went through; sadness, happiness, love, hate, and pretty much every other emotion you can think of. Shelby *private* and I will always be great, old friends. No matter what happens. ♥<br><br>Note: I put *private* over school and last names for people's privacy.<br><br>Comments? Critiques?
Michael Raymond <3
10.10.10 10:10 pm <3

Comments

  • this story is truly bueatiful
    SmiLe :)

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  • One thing I notice a lot (that your teacher should point out) is that you start the majority of your sentences with "I". In first person, you want to space out starting sentences with I, because it starts to sound very repetitive and choppy. And then, once Shelby is introduced, you tend to start a lot of them with Shelby and she. I used to have this issue really bad (in fact, even in college, I got this pointed out to me in an essay, I used one word way too much). These are easy to fix with some rewording.<br><br>For example (I'll just use one of your sentences...)<br><br><span style="color:#800080">"I walked to my storage cubby, happily greeting my friends. I looked around the room. I saw the bright multi-colored sitting rug sprawled across the floor, where we all sit when Mrs. B reads a book to us or when we practice our alphabet."</span><br><br>could be changed into something like,<br><br><span style="color:#BF4000">"I walked to my storage cubby, happily greeting my friends along the way. (I changed this too, because unless your friends are IN the storage cubby, you wouldn't walk up to the storage cubby and greet them. It's just an odd sentence.) Looking around the room, I saw the bright multi-colored..."</span><br><br>Combining a couple sentences, like that, can relieve the overuse of "I" as a starting word.<br><br><br><br><br>Also, things like this:<br><br><span style="color:#800080"><span style="font-style:italic">...ready to comfort me and hurt someone (as usual!).</span></span><br><br>I, personally, don't like when things are put into parenthesis like that. It seems like a lower level of writing to me (especially when you add the exclamation as well) <br><br><br>I'll leave it at that xD Just a couple pointers for ya ;D<br><br><br><br>It's a cute story ^^ I understand the whole drifting from your friends thing... I had a lot of friends I was super close to in my younger years, that I lost pretty abruptly once highschool started D: Good luck with it ;D I wish I had more open writing in high school... we just had essays >.<
    All good things must come to an end. All endings will begin new good things.
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