*sigh-of-epic-proportions*

huh..well, I'm completely stressed out, I'm emotional, I'm not over some things that I ought to have been over almost a year ago, if not more, and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything..<br>Everything about 4H and the barn has been stressing me out beyond all belief..<br>I'm not going to get my enrollment papers in, not to mention that they aren't even finished because I don't understand half of it.<br>My mother isn't willing to take me to the meetings. *shrugs* Simple as that. She's suppose to be getting a job soon, and she's not going to be home to take me to the meetings and events.<br>I'm sure Mendi expects me to enroll and be part of it..it's written all over the place.<br>Shayan wants me showing Dude because she thinks I do great on him, apart from Brent who just lets him do whatever he wants, but I can't. I can't get out to work with him all week, let alone have an adult there to supervise me. I don't have the money to lease him, because I'm not allowed to get a job, my mum doesn't have one, and my dad's paycheck goes to child support (which goes to my mum's bills) and his bills. Mendi doesn't think I'm experienced enough to be riding him as a lease horse and actually go to shows with him, even though I'm sure most of the 4H thinks I am. And Brent's already leasing him.<br>I'm just flat out depressed about my ex, La'Naire. I don't even know why anymore. I miss him, more than just about anything. I want to be able to vent to him again, and know (well, apparently I only thought) he cares. I don't want any of the other people the same way, I don't love any of them. Not even one. The only person I've loved was La'Naire, that's it. I don't even love my family like I did him. *shrugs* You'll probably tell me that I'm overexaggerating..but I'm not. I don't love anyone how I loved La'Naire, and that's that.<br>4H and Mendi are stressing me out..I know, I said this first; it's horrible though. My papers aren't going to get turned in on time. My dad didn't come until 14.00 on saturday, so I didn't make it to the show or to the extension office to give them my papers and money. Mendi expects me to join. I don't think that I can do it. I don't think that my life can handle something else in it where I need responsibility. I won't have time to make it to the meetings, not to mention how I'd be getting there.<br>I've been guilted into going to the parade tomorrow. I'll have to wake up around 05.00 so that I can get my shower, pack all my stuff, get ready, eat, and get around to going and be at Mendi's by 08.00. Not to mention I'm an hour away. They need me to be holding the flag with Adario because everyone else will be up on their horse. Brent does not deserve to ride Dude. He has put his foster family though so much crap, his attitude; he actually left, didn't want to live with them anymore. He came back, Dude's still his. Brent, I can almost garuntee) will ruin all the progress I made with Dude. Brent cannot handle Dude, simple as that. He thinks he's big, strong and capable, but he's really not. Dude needs a rider that will discipline him, not let him run rampant with a rider on his back providing small annoyances by tugging on the reins a bit.<br>I don't want to walk either. I have shin splints, I have an issue with heat, I have an issue with loudness. I'll be walking, in the heat, holding a flag, with loud noises everywhere around me.<br>I'm tired. I feel..blank. Like, why does it all matter? I'm stretching myself out, and it's not healthy. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I'm going to have to talk to Mendi about it, and Drew, and possibly a lot of the other 4H members, because they're under the impression that I'm part of the 4H group, and I'm doing a non-horse project like Adario. No one has even given me a decently detailed explanation of what I would actually be doing without a horse project. I know I have to present something at the fairs, but that's it. I don't want to stand in front of a poster all day and answer questions about it while everyone else is riding their horses in a show.<br>I'm exhausted. It shows in my eyes, I know it does. I see it everytime I look in the mirror. I've been exhausted. I've worn myself out. I hate it. I hate seeing myself and thinking I look like an exhausted, pained mess.<br>Everytime someone mentions La'Naire, they can see it so clearly that it pains me. That I'm in agony.<br><br>I don't think I'm going to go to bed tonight. And if I do, it'll be because I completely pass out. I'm going to try to stay up, because four hours is just going to make me more tired. I don't know..I'm venting on here too much. >.<;; I apologize. I just can't vent to the one person that knew/knows everything about me, and I can't vent to Drew (who knows just about eveyrthing about me) because he's sleeping, and the fact that he just doesn't understand..<br>*sigh* thanks for reading if you did..so, you know.