Intro Story..crit? comments? they're much needed. x3

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

--->I woke up, gasping for breath. I had been frequented by night terrors every day after Mrtav showed up. They were always about ridiculous myths and stories, I paid them no more attention than any other annoyance. --->I forced myself up as I tried to forget about the terror, this one was awfully stubborn about leaving my mind. I stumbled over to my bathroom and turned the shower on, then went back to my closet to feec Cmac Krv, my cobra, and to get some clothes. I fed him a rather large black rat, so he should be good until morning, before I go to bed. --->I stepped out of the steaming hot shower and sensed Mrtav before I even opened my eyes. Mentally, I rolled my eyes and pictured him getting a knife in his chest. He must have heard because he inconsequently cleared his throat. I ruffled my shaggy hair with my towel and asked, "What do you want Mrtav?" I made sure to put annoyed emphasism on the "do". --->He visibly rolled his eyes and almost gave a, somewhat pissed-off, chuckle, "What have I been here for the past fifty-or-so times Iseul? Is it really as complicated as you keep making it seem? Because truthfully, you're the only once seeing it that way." He shrugged and leaned against the smoke painted wall. What does everyone think of it? I'm not sure if I plan on continueing to write it..but I'll probably try harder if I knew/thought people would actually want to read it. x.x I know it's only three pitiful paragraphs but..I guess it gives somewhat of an idea of who the main characters will be and a mysterious plot or so.. O.o

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

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CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

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NickelbackLuver · August 2009

=D Mk, Im gonna critique it for you

Since no one else will xD And, Im not -too- lazy this morning. It's very short, and in that shortness, you bring up a few things that certainly need more description. One, you bring up her issues of night terrors, then you bring in a snake that...really, what is the point? Perhaps describe why she has this snake, what it does for her, because unless there is a reason for it being mentioned, then perhaps it should be left out until there is. Unless of course you're foreshadowing something that will happen with that snake later, but... still seems like its randomly placed in there. So, she has night terrors, wakes up, feeds a snake, takes a shower THEN Mrtav(cool name) has come into the picture, but once again, she doesn't explain why he's there in the first place. Though, I do like the foreshadowing in the very beginning about the Myths and stories, it leaves the reader wanting to know what they are, why him, is he so different, etc. This section here: "What do you want Mrtav?" I made sure to put annoyed emphasism on the "do". If you already italicized it, that is your emphasis, there's no need to also tell that it's emphasized. Plus, even if you were to explain that, it would be "to put an annoyed emphases on the "do". It just seems rather short to me

But, nice descriptions as to surroundings and whatnot, as well as their moods. You certainly can write well, Id just like to see more of it

So, therefore, you must continue it

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

Okies. I'm adding more on about the snake and a little history onto her part, but-not enough as to have her history completly unfold at the first part of the story (hopefully will be book worthy this time. xD ) I'll post it in about 10-15 minutes when I'm done. Also-I'll probably have little foot notes to describe some of the names and stuff, as they have a meaning and will ultimatly (didn't spell that right) describe the character in one word. And-about Mrtav-I wanted him to be like a complete mystery, ya know? I got what you mean with the emphasis thing I did, I was writing in mi notebook first and hadn't had it italicized and forgot to fix it when I was writing. x.x I also wrote another paragraph or so last night after mi mum pissed me off. >.> I'll add that onto the rest when I post the revised and edited version. =D

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

1 --->I woke up, gasping for breath. I had been frequented by night terrors every day after Mrtav showed up. They were always about ridiculous myths and stories; I paid them no more attention than any other annoyance. --->I forced myself up as I tried to forget about the terror, this one was awfully stubborn about leaving my mind. I stumbled over to my bathroom and turned the shower on, then went back to my closet to feed Cmac Krv, my cobra, and to get some clothes. I fed him a rather large black rat, so he should be good for the period of time that I would be gone. He had been imported from Australia by an old enemy as a parting â€œgiftâ€

NickelbackLuver · August 2009

Still seems slightly rushed to me, but overall, nice =D

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

yay! ^-^ any tips on how to make it seem..less rushed?

CallyKats Dachshunds · August 2009

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NickelbackLuver · August 2009

femalevamp14 wrote:

yay! ^-^ any tips on how to make it seem..less rushed?

Add details =P Stretch it out some. It jumps from one event to the next fairly quickly. Add in the senses (touch, smell, etc.) to add fuller descriptions. Add in thoughts as well, as both of your characters seem to pretty much just reply directly to what's going on, rather than fully showing emotions/thoughts as the story progresses.

Howdy, Stranger!

Intro Story..crit? comments? they're much needed. x3

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