A sneak peak. -Read last post-

Hibachi · August 2009

So, many of you know about my Timber wolf charatcher Eevie, well I have been writing a book which tells the story of Eevie and who she is. I decided to give everyone a sneak peak, and depending if anyone even replies to this post, then I will type up more if anybody wants me to.

I have not came up with a book title yet, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.

Names: Tarija: Tar-e-jue Falcor: Fal-core Read the last post for full first chapter.

woodpecker · August 2009

O.0 wow. and for titles...:P The border of the wolves? i dunno XD its hard because we dont really know what the story is fully about

Hibachi · August 2009

Lmao. XD Well, I was going to post more if people actually read this.

I will add a little more each time someone reads it. ;D So, you don't have to think of a title just yet. But, thanks I will add that to the suggestion list.

-edit- Edited the first post. ;D

NickelbackLuver · August 2009

Sounds good. Are you looking for critique?

Hibachi · August 2009

Nickelback__Luver wrote:

Sounds good. Are you looking for critique?

Sure got for it. XD Adding more.

Heartless Riku · August 2009

:shock: I want to read more Lava!!! It sounds like it's going to be interesting and far I'm liking it!!!!

NickelbackLuver · August 2009

Mk, the main thing I notice, is its rushed =P It starts out with him sniffing the air, which gives a calm, tense type of feeling, like perhaps hes slowly walking, or standing. Then, all the sudden he's galloping, which seems to switch into another motion too quickly, without much reason. Hes saying something isnt right, so, should probably go into detail more further on exactly what hes thinking with the way the air smells, how he's feeling, etc. When the other wolf pounces on him, I would suggest breaking it into another paragraph, as well as when they are talking. Other than that, the ideas are clear, and the character in them is great =D You make their personalities very clear

I just...like more description, more drawn out thoughts, more clear view on whats going on around them (sight, smell, touch, etc.) And, I would try to give you a title, but Im terrible with titles xD lmao. cant wait to read more =D

3Eagles · August 2009

I like it so far. I agree with what Nickel says too. lol i'm a bookworm so i'm weird about stuff like that sometimes. I would love to read more. :P

Hibachi · August 2009

Nickelback__Luver wrote:

Mk, the main thing I notice, is its rushed =P It starts out with him sniffing the air, which gives a calm, tense type of feeling, like perhaps hes slowly walking, or standing. Then, all the sudden he's galloping, which seems to switch into another motion too quickly, without much reason. Hes saying something isnt right, so, should probably go into detail more further on exactly what hes thinking with the way the air smells, how he's feeling, etc. When the other wolf pounces on him, I would suggest breaking it into another paragraph, as well as when they are talking. Other than that, the ideas are clear, and the character in them is great =D You make their personalities very clear I just...like more description, more drawn out thoughts, more clear view on whats going on around them (sight, smell, touch, etc.) And, I would try to give you a title, but Im terrible with titles xD lmao. cant wait to read more =D

Okay, I'll work on that. XD I usually like to get right into the action. Thanks for the advice.

iluvdogs111 · August 2009

I like it, and would really like to read more, but I do have to agree it is bit rushed. Otherwise you did a great job, type more!

Hibachi · August 2009

First post has been edited, I'll try getting the rest of the first chapter in.

woodpecker · August 2009

awesome.. a bit of crit? In the last few paragraphs it keeps on saying 'the beast' you could try using other things, such as 'the red-eyed monster' ect. unless that is what you wanted XD also, if you wanted to extend you writing, you could really stretch the description of it. eg. the realative sizing of body parts, like in harry potter, the description of Hagrid: 'his hands were the size of dustbin lids, and his feet like dolphins' and what it smelt like, ect. you may of written that and hevent posted.. but anyway XD and also.. this bit bugged me.. im picky :P when you said 'it also had eyes' i would of put 'with eyes' i dunno.. thats just me XD Imao

Hibachi · August 2009

woodpecker wrote:

awesome.. a bit of crit? In the last few paragraphs it keeps on saying 'the beast' you could try using other things, such as 'the red-eyed monster' ect. unless that is what you wanted XD also, if you wanted to extend you writing, you could really stretch the description of it. eg. the realative sizing of body parts, like in harry potter, the description of Hagrid: 'his hands were the size of dustbin lids, and his feet like dolphins' and what it smelt like, ect. you may of written that and hevent posted.. but anyway XD and also.. this bit bugged me.. im picky :P when you said 'it also had eyes' i would of put 'with eyes' i dunno.. thats just me XD Imao

Wow, I didn't realize I reapeted beast so much. Lmao. XD I edited it. ;D anyways, I do have a few chapters written, I just never got around to finishing, now I am starting it back up. I will have the whole first chapter posted, I'm going to read through it, and edit what I need edited.

UnknownDreamland · August 2009

Ooh, I like it! 8D Just this one spot though that I really notice. "Never had heâ€™d been in contact with another wolf for sometime now." It's kinda.. weird sounding to me.

3Eagles · August 2009

I noticed that too Dreamy. You just beat me to posting it

Hibachi · August 2009

0.o XD I got a lot of editing to do.

woodpecker · August 2009

Avla wrote:

it leaped, it pounced

another thing bugging me :P you could say 'it leaped and pounced, grabbing him by the throut.. or something XD

NickelbackLuver · August 2009

Lol, critique will only help =P Also, I didnt mention this in my last post, but... "Tarija was strong and brave, majestic and fierce. " Ive always been told "Show, dont tell." Instead of just stating those facts about him, you should present them in his actions. If he's strong, prove his strength in an action he does, if he's brave prove that by showing his bravery, etc. You dont have to state every fact about a character right away. Part of reading is familiarizing yourself with the characters, you should pace the characteristics along with the plotline, people will pick those aspects up in his actions. And, lol, I do the same thing and jump right into the fun stuff usually when I write my rough drafts, but when I go to type it up I add in the descriptions and whatnot. xD Descriptions can be boring.. but cant do without them. Cant wait to read more

Hibachi · August 2009

Lmao. I'm going to have to read through my writing like five times. XD Thanks for the input everyone.

Hibachi · August 2009

Chapter One: Tarija sniffed the air, â€œsomethingâ€™s not right,â€

Hibachi · August 2009

:arrow:

Hibachi · August 2009

:arrow:

Howdy, Stranger!

A sneak peak. -Read last post-

Comments