My life, basically (not an angry vent)

This isn't an angry vent, more just an out pouring of everything in my life right now, as I don't know anyone here in RL. So, feel free to comment/criticize, but please don't be -too- mean. And, for all of this, I don't mean to brag at all, I'm just trying to explain.<br><br><br>Homework/sleep stuff:<br> I go to a very good school (public, but upper middle class, suburban area, one of the best in my state). There are about 500 kids each grade, and for my grade, I am the student taking the most honors/advanced/AP courses, while maintaining a 4.0. Because of this, I generally have 6-8+ hours of homework each night, which means 3-5 hours of sleep. Over the course of a 5 school nights, I end up with 15-25 hours of sleep. Obviously, this is not enough (about half what I should be getting). I can see the results. I am able to brighten up and act normally enough most of the day, but I am just so tired sometimes. I know that it is a vicious cycle. I'm tired so I don't do as well as I should on a test. I work extra hard to make up for that, and stay up later to do so.<br><br>The weekends are my only solace, sleepwise at least. I sleep in till 10ish on Saturdays, and then begin homework. I usually work until at least 6 (but I pause for lunch or eat while I work). Then I'll do whatever with the rest of the night. Sunday mornings, I need to get up at 5:15 to play tennis, and I get home at 8 and start homework again. I usually work, pretty constantly until at least 6 or 7, and often past 10, which jump starts my sleep deprivation for the week.<br><br>My parents are worried about my lack of sleep, but I would really prefer they don't get too involved and start cutting off extracurriculars, so if I need to I work until they are almost going to bed, stop for half an hour or so, and then start again. There is no reason for them to worry, but I still feel guilty about this.<br><br>Social stuff:<br>I love all of my friends sooo much. Everybody is just so wonderful and nice in such a different way. So thanks guys for being there!<br><br>The more vent like part of this is a guy issue (of course). This will take a while to explain, so bear with me or skip it (assuming anyone's still reading, xD). This guy, lets call him Joe. He is in my gym class this year (sophomore). At the beginning of the year, I didn't actually know he was a sophomore too, but discovered he was. Soon after that, I also discovered that he is a friend of a friend (of a friend again, sort of). I saw him in gym, and he sat with us at lunch occasionally. He is very nice, and I really like him as a friend. <br><br>This, of course, is where the problem started. I was pretty oblivious at first, but by early October, he clearly liked me. I was sort of wondering if he was going to ask me to Homecoming, but I was very relieved that he didn't as I would have no idea how to respond. We both went with friends, and then those groups of friends merged, so I sort of hung out with him at the dance. I don't know who has experienced this, but knowing that someone likes you, although potentially annoying, is very flattering. I was receiving far more attention from him than I had from any other guy. <br><br>It was just after homecoming, that I complicated everything, by starting to like him too. I hadn't been cold at all, but I also wasn't encouraging his attention up to this point. I still wasn't encouraging it, but I was much more open to it. I don't think he realized a change for a little while, but eventually, he noticed and was acting a little more... forward I guess. By the way, most of the attention was during gym, and not as much during lunch. A few friends knew about all of this, but not a lot. I was filled with "happily ever after"(except in a high school relationship way) feelings now. And then, all of the sudden, I didn't really like him any more. I feel so bad about this. It feels like I keep leading him on, only to change my mind. I am terrified that I am in it only for the chase part, that I don't have the capacity to be committed. And I feel so guilty and ashamed of this, please don't berate me for it. So know, he is quite obvious about his attention, and everyone else is noticing it too, which means that everybody is telling everybody else, and then everybody knows... and in high school, that is never good.<br><br>Then, he basically asked me out, except in a pretty awkward, trying to be subtle way. He said to two of my friends "Rosy and I were talking in gym, and we have an announcement to make. We are in a relationship" (They told me later that I turned beet red for the rest of the conversation) My friends were laughing hysterically, I was trying to sort of laugh it off or make it a joke or something, but it was pretty bad. He didn't seem to get the message that I wasn't interested, and there were near repeats of this horrible conversation multiple times. I said this before, but I really like him as a friend, just nothing more. I didn't want to be mean or hurt him when I said no, so it was more of a noncomittal answer than an outright one. This was probably worse in the long run, but I didn't know what to do. This continued for a while, and now we've settled into an uneasy alliance. We are friends, but every once and a while he hints at more of a relationship.<br><br>I am very curious to see how this will end up working. The semester ends in 4 days, and then I don't have any classes with him. I don't know if he will seek me out at lunch or not. I'll update you next week.<br><br>Also, giant plate of snickerdoodle cookies to anyone that read the whole thing!!<br><br>Sorry this was so enourmous... but I think it helps to have it all off my chest. Thanks for reading! (or pretending to, xD)<br><br><br><br><br>-Rosy